![]() “A grudge can be a distraction from things that you could be doing instead of stoking your grudge that actually benefit you, or it could stand in the way of your doing those things,” Ingalls says.Īnother big reason we hold onto anger is because whatever took place was so awful that we were traumatized by it. It can also make you feel superior, as in “I may not be perfect, but at least I would never cheat!” And there’s nothing wrong with enjoying that for a time, if it lets you heal and helps you define your own values.īut the fire can flare out of control, and it can start to burn you, in all the ways discussed above. You can enjoy it like a little campfire that you blow on and nurture by putting little twigs in it,” she says, maybe replaying the unfairness in your mind and dwelling on how outrageous it continues to feel. “It can feel like a warm flame of self-righteousness inside of you. It colors everything, including how you treat your boss and your coworkers, and what you're willing to do for him in the future, which might affect your career.Īt first it can feel kind of good, says Marjorie Ingall, co-author of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies. If you are holding a grudge, however, being “the one who is taken for granted” starts to define you. Over the next months, however, while you might still have a pang of anger about it, you don't think about it much. If your boss forgets to thank you for your contributions in front of his boss, for example, that’s upsetting and angering, considering how hard you worked and that he thanked your teammates on the same project.
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